Service is optional

We work in a fascinatingly-entitled industry:  financial services.

At 2020 Financial Services, over the last few years we have observed what is effectively a meltdown in the customer services function of most mainstream product-providers.  Generally, the customer-facing functions of these huge companies is so execrable, that to even use the word "services" in the same breath is to perpetrate violence on the english language.

Financial 'call-centre purgatory' would be more appropriate.  Perhaps 'financial studied disinterest', or even 'financial oblivion' would not be unfair terms to use for some of these companies.  In fact, we have calculated that we have had to employ one entire (quite senior) member of our admin team, simply to compensate for the shortcomings of the companies that we deal with.  If they just did their jobs properly, if they just fulfilled their verbal promises - he'd be out of a job!

Here's a few of our current batch of beauties for you to enjoy:

• Close Brothers/Investments send us money, but no statements to go with it.  The individual concerned is never there to answer queries (apparently, has a fondness for frequenting the company's basement, which raises our curiosity as to what might be down there).  We leave messages, but they never, ever 'phone back.
• Clydesdale Bank - just love sending us money, and apparently have no record of the fact.  Thanks, guys, we're really grateful.
• Henderson Investments - send us money, no statements and know nothing about it.  They never return calls.  They were the only company to win our prestigious "Pants Service Award" in 2005.
• AIG/American Life - send us money, but no statements, and extracting information from them is like drilling one's own root canal.
• Selestia - can take up to seven separate communications to get them to follow a simple set of instructions, with attempts to progress matters hampered by an absolute determination not to give out telephone numbers.  How can a relatively new entrant to the market be this dire? - normally, it takes fifty years worth of bad practice and complacency to plumb these depths.
• AMP/NPI - until recently communications were restricted to fax alone, which apparently was sufficient to build a minimum two-week delay into every communication (non-response is the norm).  Recently, email has become available, and this has resulted in a significant...absence of any improvement.  Ghastly, absolutely ghastly.
• Norwich Union - those 'direct dial' numbers on their statements?  Well, they're not.  You just go into the same mindless call-centre as everyone else.
• Aegon/Scot Eq Protect - impossible to query commission errors with the commission department.  Enquiries have to be left with, and relayed via, the main call-centre.  Has all the hallmarks of a system designed for the indefinite deferment of the resolution of problems.
• ANFI - the award for the most meaningless commission statements known to man.  How this company can honestly think that endlessly repeating the phrase "cash premium" for every entry actually conveys any meaningful information, I do not know.  We suggest that the company adopt a policy of altering this terminology on a random basis, every month.  'Turtle Gonads' contains about as much insight.
• Prudential - this company's latest trick is to send the most abbreviated commission statements, with no reference to the Appointed Representative firm on it.  When we call them to identify who should be the grateful recipient, they tell us that they "no longer have a commission department".  We are welcome to leave the details of our query with them, but we'll have to wait five working days for the privilege of a callback!  Couple this with the fact that the Pru have just converted all their old direct-dial numbers to faxes and you have all the ingredients for an absolutely monumental administrative botch.  Onwards and upwards, guys!

Of course, we have to acknowledge that not all companies are this dreadful.  Thank you Standard Life for meaningful commission statements, replete with helpful management information.  Oh, and for being relatively accessible at the end of the phone.  Thank you Transact for being pretty efficient most of the time, and being generally reliable.  Thank you Scottish Widows for having nice, friendly voices at the end of the phone...

Why is it that an industry that calls itself 'financial services' cannot apparently muster the wherewithal to fulfil its basic reason for being?  It's a mystery.